They spend all their time telling you that you're nothing, that you're a loser; so much that you go ahead and believe everything that they say you are... so bad that you expect yourself to fail, you expect yourself to screw up. Just like they told you, you would. If those meant to believe in you, the ones meant to support, hold you up and believe in you blindly and unconditionally are the ones who destroy you, then the only thing you can do is to forgive them, move on and look into yourself for the extraordinary faith that only you can have in yourself, for yourself. Never give them that authority to define who you are.
They are the losers. NOT YOU. Accepting what they said gives them way too much power over you - power that they don't deserve because no one can make you feel like shit about yourself. NO ONE HAS THAT POWER. That is true strength of character.
That is what makes you a better person, better than that guy who has to make someone else feel worse to feel good about himself. There should be no need to look down on anyone or judge them. Like the wise have said, if you so choose to judge others then judge them as you'd like yourself to be judged. Everyone to themselves, right or wrong, for we are no one to judge anyone except ourselves.
What makes one a great person is when there is no need for any righteous hypocritical bullshit from anyone. All you'd need is an unshakable faith in yourself and the strength to defend that faith no matter what, or who.. with head high and heart sure.
*Hmhmm. Where this post originated in that murky brain of mine, I don't know. Maybe it was just the movie I watched this afternoon. Maybe it just rang true, somewhere.. one of those lessons learnt the hard way, one that I need to keep reminding myself of*
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Dreaming out aloud
I keep thinking about you, but you already know that. One of my
weaknesses – any real emotion, and all notions of secrecy disappear. I
literally see myself picking up the phone and dialing your number, I
can see your finger pressing the 'answer' button and I can hear myself
say, "Hey you !!!" and you for once saying..." heyyyy
maaaa or heyy baabe" subconsciously... It isn't in my control.
But I have been thinking about you. You know, I told you that I loved
you, so long ago... yeah, I did, apparently and I still do every night
whatever happens...Must seem like a long time ago when we both said
it,meant it with every bit of our being... lol... But I did say it. I
did mean it too, in some silly, infatuated, head-rush-inducing manner,
I love you. A year ago.
I still do.
Only it is a different love now; calmer, more implicit, less rushed,
stronger. But also, it is a love less inclined towards entertaining
hormonal urges or temper tantrums or frequent hanging-up
sequences...Yeah, I don't get pissed..sad and numbed over maybe. I
suppose that makes it completely useless to you. When I can call you
and crib about something that hurt me or.... try and ask you questions
so we can have one of those famous all night convos debating world
issues or the purpose of life as we know it... When you can call me
(theoretically) and talk about the same old same old with the same old
same old. When I can imagine doing exactly this, ten years from now,
when you and I will be famous and bitter (more than we are now, babe,
more). I think we'll both die of an overdose of cynicism. Won't that
be perfect? That didn't make sense. haha. We'd be happily married
officially I suppose... I hope so. A kid in tow.. lol.. our dreams?
Sometimes, I can't think of a place, a thing, a city, without thinking
of you. Of us on the sidewalk. Of us smoking cigarettes, looking cool
because we didn't want to look cool, of us laughing at morons, of us
drinking and singing and drinking and laughing and drinking and making
love and long drives going everywhere and no where and fumbling for money. It was a good time, wasn't it? I was happy. And sometimes, that sense of you holding me
with an arm over me engulfs me, and I almost stop doing whatever I'm
doing and I almost stop breathing.
Take me back to that one month when we couldn't wait for life to
begin? And when we could always turn to " I don't want to miss a
thing" for some therapy. Take me back. I don't think I grabbed enough
memories from then. And every day I forget something else, and I frown
in despair, trying to remember what it was that you had said that made
me giggle so. Jog my memory. Write it down. Whisper it into my
fingers. Something. But if you can't, I understand.
In the meantime, I'll keep calling hoping you'll say "Hey babe..I
missed you so much"
weaknesses – any real emotion, and all notions of secrecy disappear. I
literally see myself picking up the phone and dialing your number, I
can see your finger pressing the 'answer' button and I can hear myself
say, "Hey you !!!" and you for once saying..." heyyyy
maaaa or heyy baabe" subconsciously... It isn't in my control.
But I have been thinking about you. You know, I told you that I loved
you, so long ago... yeah, I did, apparently and I still do every night
whatever happens...Must seem like a long time ago when we both said
it,meant it with every bit of our being... lol... But I did say it. I
did mean it too, in some silly, infatuated, head-rush-inducing manner,
I love you. A year ago.
I still do.
Only it is a different love now; calmer, more implicit, less rushed,
stronger. But also, it is a love less inclined towards entertaining
hormonal urges or temper tantrums or frequent hanging-up
sequences...Yeah, I don't get pissed..sad and numbed over maybe. I
suppose that makes it completely useless to you. When I can call you
and crib about something that hurt me or.... try and ask you questions
so we can have one of those famous all night convos debating world
issues or the purpose of life as we know it... When you can call me
(theoretically) and talk about the same old same old with the same old
same old. When I can imagine doing exactly this, ten years from now,
when you and I will be famous and bitter (more than we are now, babe,
more). I think we'll both die of an overdose of cynicism. Won't that
be perfect? That didn't make sense. haha. We'd be happily married
officially I suppose... I hope so. A kid in tow.. lol.. our dreams?
Sometimes, I can't think of a place, a thing, a city, without thinking
of you. Of us on the sidewalk. Of us smoking cigarettes, looking cool
because we didn't want to look cool, of us laughing at morons, of us
drinking and singing and drinking and laughing and drinking and making
love and long drives going everywhere and no where and fumbling for money. It was a good time, wasn't it? I was happy. And sometimes, that sense of you holding me
with an arm over me engulfs me, and I almost stop doing whatever I'm
doing and I almost stop breathing.
Take me back to that one month when we couldn't wait for life to
begin? And when we could always turn to " I don't want to miss a
thing" for some therapy. Take me back. I don't think I grabbed enough
memories from then. And every day I forget something else, and I frown
in despair, trying to remember what it was that you had said that made
me giggle so. Jog my memory. Write it down. Whisper it into my
fingers. Something. But if you can't, I understand.
In the meantime, I'll keep calling hoping you'll say "Hey babe..I
missed you so much"
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Life/Death
He sat. He got up. He paced. He tried to drink the coffee offered to him, but his hands shook too much. Earlier that day, just as he'd sat down to work, thinking of his beautiful wife .. and... their..
*tring...................trinnnnngggg* He was shaken out of his reverie, one look at the number and his heart nearly stopped, he knew before they told him. " Sir, it's your wife" He ran out of his office, raced to the hospital and that's when the longest day of his life began.
He paced some more, shooting worried, questioning glances at the nurses hurrying past him. He almost considered breaking into the ICU just for one look.. for someone, anyone to tell him that she would be ok. Visions clouded his mind, of her smiling at him, of all the times they sat outside on the verandah, talking and making plans for their grand life which had yet begun.
Which should have begun by now, their first dream to come true.. but it had been 4 hours already. He imagined her screaming for him. Suddenly, he heard someone else whimpering. A little girl's voice, not yet a woman... he heard her scream and then quieten down. Sickened to the core, he went to the window for some fresh air.
He wondered to whom that little voice belonged to and for a silent minute he hoped she was well too. The doctor came out and told him that He was sorry it was taking so long but there had been some slight complications, nothing that could not be dealt with. He asked him to sit down and wait and with agitated furious eyes that questioned so much but got no answers he sat down, quietly.
Soon, he heard the squeak of a bed being pushed around and worriedly looked up but then he saw who that plaintive voice belonged to. She was merely a girl. And she looked deathly pale and half dead while they wheeled her into the small recovery room. She had no one waiting for her, no one standing by her, and his heart went out to her. He prayed fervently that his own wife would come out safe.
Another half-hour passed and his thoughts were sad and violent, he hated himself for bringing this upon her, but she had also wanted the same dream he'd wanted.. she had wanted and dreamt of it even more than he could possibly have, Oh how he wished they'd never dreamt of it together, how he wished that he could only hold her again, safe in his arms. To see her smile again...
He heard it. No.. he thought.. he'd probably imagined it in his own delirium. He looked up and saw that girl, looking slightly more alive.. smile at him, a small encouraging brave smile. He heard it again... his dream.. alive... now..
The doctor rushed out with a little pink bundle in his arms, he cried at the sight of her, so happy, so full of love for that tiny little pink bundle, with the tiny little arms and that little mop of curly brown hair and those beautiful little eyes blinking at the new light and life all around her. The doctor put her in his arms. The nurses all said that she looked like him, while he knew secretly that she looked every bit like his wife. He looked at her and looked at her and loved her so much.. with all his heart and he knew this was a love that would go on forever.
He turned to see the girl looking at him with glassy eyes. She gave him a weak smile and said "Your daughter.... she looks beautiful." He beamed at her and said "Yes, she does" and then looking at her lying so weak, he panicked.. Where was his wife? Where is she?? He asked the girl to hold the baby next to her, placed her carefully in between the wires and went to find the doctor.
The girl looked at the baby for a few seconds and pulled it close to her with tears in her eyes, she stroked the perfect pink lips, the perfect smooth skin, felt the perfect brown curls and the pain tugged at her heart like nothing ever else could. When the baby caught her finger and held it , she thought she would almost die of heartache.
More loud voices and a set of squeaky wheels following in, the man was sobbing, his wife.. his precious wife was so weak, nearly dying. They hooked her to a heart monitor and left the man pacing, staring at his wife with the eyes of an animal cornered in a cage.. a man cornered by fate. He looked over and saw the girl holding his daughter so close, with a powerful pain shielded with a love on her face .. a love only another mother could have for someone else's baby and then it hit him. He knew why she was there as his eyes traced the tubes from her hands leading up to transfusions of blood and glucose.
The machine which was to spell his wife's fate , beeped and blinked intermittently in the background, as he saw his beautiful wife lying so calm, so quiet, nearly dying yet glowing after giving birth and he saw the deathly-pale girl struggling with pain and love yet holding his baby close even though she'd willingly given hers up... he realized there was only so much of a space between life and death. And yes, they could both be in the same hospital room, both showing their faces in that mysterious balance called fate.
*tring...................trinnnnngggg* He was shaken out of his reverie, one look at the number and his heart nearly stopped, he knew before they told him. " Sir, it's your wife" He ran out of his office, raced to the hospital and that's when the longest day of his life began.
He paced some more, shooting worried, questioning glances at the nurses hurrying past him. He almost considered breaking into the ICU just for one look.. for someone, anyone to tell him that she would be ok. Visions clouded his mind, of her smiling at him, of all the times they sat outside on the verandah, talking and making plans for their grand life which had yet begun.
Which should have begun by now, their first dream to come true.. but it had been 4 hours already. He imagined her screaming for him. Suddenly, he heard someone else whimpering. A little girl's voice, not yet a woman... he heard her scream and then quieten down. Sickened to the core, he went to the window for some fresh air.
He wondered to whom that little voice belonged to and for a silent minute he hoped she was well too. The doctor came out and told him that He was sorry it was taking so long but there had been some slight complications, nothing that could not be dealt with. He asked him to sit down and wait and with agitated furious eyes that questioned so much but got no answers he sat down, quietly.
Soon, he heard the squeak of a bed being pushed around and worriedly looked up but then he saw who that plaintive voice belonged to. She was merely a girl. And she looked deathly pale and half dead while they wheeled her into the small recovery room. She had no one waiting for her, no one standing by her, and his heart went out to her. He prayed fervently that his own wife would come out safe.
Another half-hour passed and his thoughts were sad and violent, he hated himself for bringing this upon her, but she had also wanted the same dream he'd wanted.. she had wanted and dreamt of it even more than he could possibly have, Oh how he wished they'd never dreamt of it together, how he wished that he could only hold her again, safe in his arms. To see her smile again...
He heard it. No.. he thought.. he'd probably imagined it in his own delirium. He looked up and saw that girl, looking slightly more alive.. smile at him, a small encouraging brave smile. He heard it again... his dream.. alive... now..
The doctor rushed out with a little pink bundle in his arms, he cried at the sight of her, so happy, so full of love for that tiny little pink bundle, with the tiny little arms and that little mop of curly brown hair and those beautiful little eyes blinking at the new light and life all around her. The doctor put her in his arms. The nurses all said that she looked like him, while he knew secretly that she looked every bit like his wife. He looked at her and looked at her and loved her so much.. with all his heart and he knew this was a love that would go on forever.
He turned to see the girl looking at him with glassy eyes. She gave him a weak smile and said "Your daughter.... she looks beautiful." He beamed at her and said "Yes, she does" and then looking at her lying so weak, he panicked.. Where was his wife? Where is she?? He asked the girl to hold the baby next to her, placed her carefully in between the wires and went to find the doctor.
The girl looked at the baby for a few seconds and pulled it close to her with tears in her eyes, she stroked the perfect pink lips, the perfect smooth skin, felt the perfect brown curls and the pain tugged at her heart like nothing ever else could. When the baby caught her finger and held it , she thought she would almost die of heartache.
More loud voices and a set of squeaky wheels following in, the man was sobbing, his wife.. his precious wife was so weak, nearly dying. They hooked her to a heart monitor and left the man pacing, staring at his wife with the eyes of an animal cornered in a cage.. a man cornered by fate. He looked over and saw the girl holding his daughter so close, with a powerful pain shielded with a love on her face .. a love only another mother could have for someone else's baby and then it hit him. He knew why she was there as his eyes traced the tubes from her hands leading up to transfusions of blood and glucose.
The machine which was to spell his wife's fate , beeped and blinked intermittently in the background, as he saw his beautiful wife lying so calm, so quiet, nearly dying yet glowing after giving birth and he saw the deathly-pale girl struggling with pain and love yet holding his baby close even though she'd willingly given hers up... he realized there was only so much of a space between life and death. And yes, they could both be in the same hospital room, both showing their faces in that mysterious balance called fate.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Lost.little.girl.
There's a lot of darkness in my writing these days, things I see happening all around me.. in music, in books, in movies.. with my friends.. here's one more...
Lost and disillusioned..
but i still have you
Still on the search towards that peace
Will you set me free
from these vicious circles in that brilliant dark place
I call home to
All those memories and moments
That define me
That define the dreams
Now lost...
*my mind****
Will you shine for me??
Brighter than the darkness
That defines my very breath these days??
Will you walk beside me....??
As I take this desolate march
into the valley of my dying dreams....
Will you..
Won't you...
i love you.... <3
Lost and disillusioned..
but i still have you
Still on the search towards that peace
Will you set me free
from these vicious circles in that brilliant dark place
I call home to
All those memories and moments
That define me
That define the dreams
Now lost...
*my mind****
Will you shine for me??
Brighter than the darkness
That defines my very breath these days??
Will you walk beside me....??
As I take this desolate march
into the valley of my dying dreams....
Will you..
Won't you...
i love you.... <3
dadda~
Didn't you see death in my eyes
The shadows in my silence
The echoes of quiet despair in my words
I thought you were wise
Didn't you see it
You had me on your lap
Stories and jokes and songs..
Did my twinkling eyes and happy laughter blind you so??
Didn't you see it in me..?
When you built that dream-making machine
In that deserted place
The same one I have to tend on my own now..
With your hopes and my dreams sown in them..
Rotting oh so well...
Where's your lil' girl...??
Is she safe??
What's become an empty heart and a life of lies?
Do you have the answers?
That break her heart more than yours?
I'll still walk with you daddy...
by your side if you'll let me, still...
Your living dead daughter...
Hold my hand, Daddy...
Don't ever let go...
The shadows in my silence
The echoes of quiet despair in my words
I thought you were wise
Didn't you see it
You had me on your lap
Stories and jokes and songs..
Did my twinkling eyes and happy laughter blind you so??
Didn't you see it in me..?
When you built that dream-making machine
In that deserted place
The same one I have to tend on my own now..
With your hopes and my dreams sown in them..
Rotting oh so well...
Where's your lil' girl...??
Is she safe??
What's become an empty heart and a life of lies?
Do you have the answers?
That break her heart more than yours?
I'll still walk with you daddy...
by your side if you'll let me, still...
Your living dead daughter...
Hold my hand, Daddy...
Don't ever let go...
Saturday, December 15, 2007
LOST AND FOUND
LOST AND FOUND
Not all those who wander are lost;
- Those that stray the paths well-taken
Have done for a reason - to gain the most
Why then are they often mistaken?
Through the journey, many times, led astray
Following those who were equally blind
They learnt all of life's lessons the hard way
Walking all those roads that twist and wind.
The thorns might stab and prick,
And the wounds will bleed and heal,
Falling under many a treat and trick -
Everytime it hurts, they know that their hearts can still feel.
Out at sea, was when they knew -
That the waters lie both shallow...deep...
And calm and beautiful blue
Even as the storms above rant and weep.
Soon the darkness will clear,
And the struggle of the years will become worth it all.
The fears, tears and weary memories will disappear
They will walk on, grimly smiling, unafraid to fall...
BECAUSE NOT ALL THOSE WHO WANDER ARE LOST.....!
Not all those who wander are lost;
- Those that stray the paths well-taken
Have done for a reason - to gain the most
Why then are they often mistaken?
Through the journey, many times, led astray
Following those who were equally blind
They learnt all of life's lessons the hard way
Walking all those roads that twist and wind.
The thorns might stab and prick,
And the wounds will bleed and heal,
Falling under many a treat and trick -
Everytime it hurts, they know that their hearts can still feel.
Out at sea, was when they knew -
That the waters lie both shallow...deep...
And calm and beautiful blue
Even as the storms above rant and weep.
Soon the darkness will clear,
And the struggle of the years will become worth it all.
The fears, tears and weary memories will disappear
They will walk on, grimly smiling, unafraid to fall...
BECAUSE NOT ALL THOSE WHO WANDER ARE LOST.....!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
REQUIEM...?
It flows through his veins,
The one thing that numbs it all
The memories, unforgettable moments,the smiles through the pains..
All untold, withheld; in each and every fall
Through each steep, drowsy step, so slow
Around the dark corners of his mind
Round and round the thoughts flow
The memories once locked away - now unwind.
The eternal darkness eats away the mortal sunshine
And the beauty slowly turns insane.
The Judges, jury and the Holy Ghost all stand in line
To roll the dice - his loss or gain.
His steps, slowly moving, trudging, falling
Letting the bittersweetness flow through his body still alive,
Slipping, awakening, the despair numbing -
Closer to killing his will to survive
The will to stop! to strive!
The unwilling stupor blinds him in a cloud..
The will to fight! to live!
His silent screams echo through, aloud.
His flailing hands get a hold
He sees the light, shining so bright
And the angels of whom, when young he was told
Lift him up - heart and soul, putting him right.
He knew what he was really made of now..
He knew his wasn't the darkness but the light so clear
He knew he'd only reap what he'd sow
And so he walked now, head held high, without fear...
The one thing that numbs it all
The memories, unforgettable moments,the smiles through the pains..
All untold, withheld; in each and every fall
Through each steep, drowsy step, so slow
Around the dark corners of his mind
Round and round the thoughts flow
The memories once locked away - now unwind.
The eternal darkness eats away the mortal sunshine
And the beauty slowly turns insane.
The Judges, jury and the Holy Ghost all stand in line
To roll the dice - his loss or gain.
His steps, slowly moving, trudging, falling
Letting the bittersweetness flow through his body still alive,
Slipping, awakening, the despair numbing -
Closer to killing his will to survive
The will to stop! to strive!
The unwilling stupor blinds him in a cloud..
The will to fight! to live!
His silent screams echo through, aloud.
His flailing hands get a hold
He sees the light, shining so bright
And the angels of whom, when young he was told
Lift him up - heart and soul, putting him right.
He knew what he was really made of now..
He knew his wasn't the darkness but the light so clear
He knew he'd only reap what he'd sow
And so he walked now, head held high, without fear...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
ANOTHER DAY ACROSS THE MILES
As days go by
I come to know
Time will fly
But I still have miles to go
People come; Might stay
Friends laugh; Can leave
It's just another day
No time to grieve
It's just another day
But I still have miles to go.
I come to know
Time will fly
But I still have miles to go
People come; Might stay
Friends laugh; Can leave
It's just another day
No time to grieve
It's just another day
But I still have miles to go.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I'll Follow you
Acid green monsters
blood red whores
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
Where i See u ,
is too hard to find.
Follow him....
follow love.....
hard and steep....
leave the dark voices
follw him all the way..
(..fkin gibran..)
Acid green monsters,
blood red whores, "when love beckons you, follow him though his ways may be hard and steep" -Kahlil Gibran
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
(...mmMmmmm...)
Ink filled eyes of ice
Staring at hearts full of crack
Fluorescent pot clouds
Filling all their muddy skulls
Stormy grey suns
breeding stinky dying flowers
(..on MaAA graVE...)
Love, where are you///
show ur bloody way...
(...fkin gibran..)
Hard and steep
Walking, hurting...
cracking...falling
love.... show me ur waaay
(where the fuck are you/....)
where i see you is too hard to find...
but i'll follow you...
Dark Dark whispers,
rumble thro murky white brains
But love... i'll follow you
Acid green monsters,
blood red whores
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
I'll fkin follow u
(acid green monsters)
(blood red whores)
LOVe ...i'll follow u...
(black tongued bitches)
(wine eyed rogues)
Though your ways are hard and steep...
(beautiful black butterflies)
(drinking red blood)
I'll follow you.
blood red whores
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
Where i See u ,
is too hard to find.
Follow him....
follow love.....
hard and steep....
leave the dark voices
follw him all the way..
(..fkin gibran..)
Acid green monsters,
blood red whores, "when love beckons you, follow him though his ways may be hard and steep" -Kahlil Gibran
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
(...mmMmmmm...)
Ink filled eyes of ice
Staring at hearts full of crack
Fluorescent pot clouds
Filling all their muddy skulls
Stormy grey suns
breeding stinky dying flowers
(..on MaAA graVE...)
Love, where are you///
show ur bloody way...
(...fkin gibran..)
Hard and steep
Walking, hurting...
cracking...falling
love.... show me ur waaay
(where the fuck are you/....)
where i see you is too hard to find...
but i'll follow you...
Dark Dark whispers,
rumble thro murky white brains
But love... i'll follow you
Acid green monsters,
blood red whores
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
I'll fkin follow u
(acid green monsters)
(blood red whores)
LOVe ...i'll follow u...
(black tongued bitches)
(wine eyed rogues)
Though your ways are hard and steep...
(beautiful black butterflies)
(drinking red blood)
I'll follow you.
When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. - Kahlil Gibran
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