Lost.little.girl.

There's a lot of darkness in my writing these days, things I see happening all around me.. in music, in books, in movies.. with my friends.. here's one more...

Lost and disillusioned..
but i still have you
Still on the search towards that peace
Will you set me free
from these vicious circles in that brilliant dark place
I call home to
All those memories and moments
That define me
That define the dreams
Now lost...
*my mind****

Will you shine for me??
Brighter than the darkness
That defines my very breath these days??
Will you walk beside me....??
As I take this desolate march
into the valley of my dying dreams....
Will you..
Won't you...

i love you.... <3

dadda~

Didn't you see death in my eyes
The shadows in my silence
The echoes of quiet despair in my words
I thought you were wise

Didn't you see it
You had me on your lap
Stories and jokes and songs..
Did my twinkling eyes and happy laughter blind you so??
Didn't you see it in me..?
When you built that dream-making machine
In that deserted place
The same one I have to tend on my own now..
With your hopes and my dreams sown in them..
Rotting oh so well...

Where's your lil' girl...??
Is she safe??
What's become an empty heart and a life of lies?
Do you have the answers?
That break her heart more than yours?

I'll still walk with you daddy...
by your side if you'll let me, still...
Your living dead daughter...
Hold my hand, Daddy...
Don't ever let go...

LOST AND FOUND

LOST AND FOUND

Not all those who wander are lost;

- Those that stray the paths well-taken

Have done for a reason - to gain the most

Why then are they often mistaken?



Through the journey, many times, led astray

Following those who were equally blind

They learnt all of life's lessons the hard way

Walking all those roads that twist and wind.



The thorns might stab and prick,

And the wounds will bleed and heal,

Falling under many a treat and trick -

Everytime it hurts, they know that their hearts can still feel.



Out at sea, was when they knew -

That the waters lie both shallow...deep...

And calm and beautiful blue

Even as the storms above rant and weep.



Soon the darkness will clear,

And the struggle of the years will become worth it all.

The fears, tears and weary memories will disappear

They will walk on, grimly smiling, unafraid to fall...



BECAUSE NOT ALL THOSE WHO WANDER ARE LOST.....!

REQUIEM...?

It flows through his veins,

The one thing that numbs it all

The memories, unforgettable moments,the smiles through the pains..

All untold, withheld; in each and every fall



Through each steep, drowsy step, so slow

Around the dark corners of his mind

Round and round the thoughts flow

The memories once locked away - now unwind.



The eternal darkness eats away the mortal sunshine

And the beauty slowly turns insane.

The Judges, jury and the Holy Ghost all stand in line

To roll the dice - his loss or gain.



His steps, slowly moving, trudging, falling

Letting the bittersweetness flow through his body still alive,

Slipping, awakening, the despair numbing -

Closer to killing his will to survive



The will to stop! to strive!

The unwilling stupor blinds him in a cloud..

The will to fight! to live!

His silent screams echo through, aloud.



His flailing hands get a hold

He sees the light, shining so bright

And the angels of whom, when young he was told

Lift him up - heart and soul, putting him right.



He knew what he was really made of now..

He knew his wasn't the darkness but the light so clear

He knew he'd only reap what he'd sow

And so he walked now, head held high, without fear...

ANOTHER DAY ACROSS THE MILES

As days go by
I come to know
Time will fly
But I still have miles to go

People come; Might stay
Friends laugh; Can leave
It's just another day
No time to grieve

It's just another day
But I still have miles to go.

xkcd - inspired

Love.

( Fountain-Pen Ink and Charcoal Pencil )

Falling Apart.

( Pencil )

I'll Follow you

Acid green monsters
blood red whores
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
Where i See u ,
is too hard to find.

Follow him....
follow love.....
hard and steep....
leave the dark voices
follw him all the way..

(..fkin gibran..)

Acid green monsters,
blood red whores, "when love beckons you, follow him though his ways may be hard and steep" -Kahlil Gibran
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood
(...mmMmmmm...)

Ink filled eyes of ice
Staring at hearts full of crack
Fluorescent pot clouds
Filling all their muddy skulls
Stormy grey suns
breeding stinky dying flowers
(..on MaAA graVE...)

Love, where are you///
show ur bloody way...
(...fkin gibran..)

Hard and steep
Walking, hurting...
cracking...falling
love.... show me ur waaay
(where the fuck are you/....)

where i see you is too hard to find...
but i'll follow you...

Dark Dark whispers,
rumble thro murky white brains
But love... i'll follow you

Acid green monsters,
blood red whores
black tongued bitches
wine eyed rogues
beautiful black butterflies
drinking red blood


I'll fkin follow u
(acid green monsters)
(blood red whores)
LOVe ...i'll follow u...
(black tongued bitches)
(wine eyed rogues)
Though your ways are hard and steep...
(beautiful black butterflies)
(drinking red blood)
I'll follow you.

When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. - Kahlil Gibran

The eternal Darkness of the insane mind ~

Restless, Restricted, Empty ...

I want to fly, soar. I also want to  tear my aching body and my bruised heart apart. I want to set my mind free. I want to run and take-off.  How I hate unrequited efforts and emotions. I'm displeased - not content.

I stand at a cliff. On the edge. Not looking down into the endless abyss but at another massive cliff in the yonder past a magnificent ocean reflecting the stormy gray of the dark clouds over it. I stand amidst my thorns desiring the colours of life held yonder.

I want to take the leap...something unknown is holding me back. Holding me rooted. I hear the thunder, feel the rain tearing away my clothes exposing the scars of the years past... and my own sun eats away at my soul... my eyes hollow black holes... my smile thin,twisted,mean... a gaunt face surviving the everyday battles waging inside.

A racous dark voice... JUMP... jump... die again your 1000 deaths...

A tiny haunting voice; leap.. LEAP.... for the half chance of a near normal life...NooOO

Stuck... stuck to the insanity that grounds my soul for life....

My eternal sunshine... save me...make my mind spotless don't eat away my soul.

The most beautiful pain.

Self-realization hits you and you know its not something new-
When you look into the mirror and see the real you,
Admitting to the horrors,unravelling your mind's maze,
And all the smog clears but you're still in a daze.

When you reach the end,
You'd also know that you cant mend
The mistake that is you-you in vain,
For Self-realization is the greatest pain.

You'd stumble now,struggling to hold on
To the dreams and joys that seem long gone,
Groping here and there you reach a friend's loving hand,
But fear grips you and you fall unto the dreary sand.

But then suddenly your courage is back,
And you dont cut anymore slack.
You move and walk and trudge on somehow
Reaching towards his open arms full of love

He wipes away your pain and your tears,
And calms away those insecure fears.
In his arms you become strong,
And inside,you steadily destroy all the wrong.

Finally with a clear heart and mind,
You look at him with love and you soon find-
Self-realization is the most beautiful pain,
For you find your true self and stand only to gain!

The Receiving End of That.

Monday morning dawns bright and sunny. She wakes up to the incessant knocking at her door, she looks at her watch, DAMN ! it’s only 6:15, but she’s got to get up now even though she slept only at 3:45.

She goes downstairs and as she descends she hears a “ wOnDerFuL” cry of welcome,

“ AAhAA vanthuta maharani…kizha irangi vanthutaa Rani !” ( Aaa, the Great queen has come, she has come down, the queen!) She sighs, and walks into the spacious dining hall. The golden sunlight shines through the windows reflecting off the resplendent polished silver and sparkling crystal in the cupboards. It was a beautiful day, as beautiful as any other day seemed but never was.

She sees HIM..tousled hair and majestic moustache, regally sitting at the table, his sharp eyes ignoring her and reading the newspaper..she looked at him with a longing deep inside her heart, staring at him , memories of wonderful times spent together flooding and clouding her already throbbing head.

THE KID snaps her out of her reverie shouting at her..” Hey YOU !, you do the outside, I’ll look after the inside”…

The Kid – once sweet, loving, and nice. She still is and will always be..to them but not anymore to her. The Kid much more loved for her obedience, her undemanding ways and her homeliness. But all that or nothing, she was nothing like her, never would be what she was or ever will be. Even then,The Kid was much more loved while she was just tolerated.

She walks outside and gets greeted, a genuine heartfelt greeting from two beings who have no need for any pretensions with her. THE DOGS – softly barking, lovingly jumping and prancing around her…her best friends and she smiles for the first and last time that morning – an unpretentious ,genuine smile…

Sadly, good ain’t good enough to last forever and now not even a minute longer for she saw HER..beautiful yet ugly, kind yet cruel, loving as well as hating.. a contradictory personality who’s good is reserved for The Man and The Kid and the rest as usual..for who else…?!

A jeer..” What are you doing there playing with the dogs, are they going to give you your food? “

** I wish they did, I really wish they did, they’d give it with a better heart than you ever will**

“ Pick up the broom!! “

She picks it up and sweeps away the dirty dry leaves from the vaasal ( front entrance of a house) wishing she could do the same thing with her life. She sweeps it clean and sprinkles water neatly. If only life could be cleansed as easily as this.

Even though it was perfectly done, The Woman couldn’t resist screeching, “ Can’t you even do this simple job efficiently? Take away those piles of leaves!! Look how many spots u have missed! Sprinkle the water all over again..when will you learn, oh god!! What will I do!!”

** screech on woman!! **

“ Bitch!, you don’t even know a single simple kolam! Call The Kid!”

** yeah, yeah..what do I know anyway?? The Kid..Oh yes she knows everything**

She calls The Kid and goes inside the house. The Man sipping his tea, gives her a glance but does not say anything.

The kitchen was at its busiest in the mornings. Everyone was there yet she feels stationary as things around her moved so fast…more taunts, more sneers..

“ Can’t you even scrape a carrot without making a mess of it?”

“ Look at the amount of water u have spilt on the floor, I know you are out to get me..you want me to fall don’t you?”

“ Clean it up you incompetent idiot!!”

Then some peace, sipping her coffee, enveloped in her thoughts…. HE speaks now

“ They haven’t given you coffee to sit here and while away your time! Get back to the kitchen! You bring out the worst in everyone!”

** Et tu….? **

Work and some more work, finally everyone heads upstairs to get ready..she sits in her room unmoving while they bustle around outside. One by one they leave – The Man to make more money and be busy, The Kid to better (butter?!) her brains, but someone hasn’t left yet.

The Woman walks into the room !

“ You uncooperative bitch ! Can’t you get ready like the rest of us? Look at your room! Squalor I say!! Absolute squalor..! how can u live here? Your room is a disgrace to this house and you are a disgrace to the people who live here.. How much more uncooperative can you get? I hope you die a slow death ..can’t you help us out? We are all in a rush , all you do is sit around staring into space…I hope when you die you ache and writhe in pain. Why don’t you just kill yourself ?? You want me to help you? I’ll give you a dose of arsenic, I do know how to kill you without anyone ever suspecting me, do u know that?

I’ll make you want to tear yourself apart in pain…my curses are with you, I hope you fall unto ruin ..you are never going to succeed in anything ..now I know why you’ve failed so many times it’s because of my curses;our curses will always be upon you!!

The sooner you leave this household the better, then atleast we can all live in peace…have u no mouth? Don’t u have anything to say? How will you? I own everything you think you own, even the clothes you wear..hhahahahaa…”

She looks up into The Woman’s eyes so full of fury but somewhere underneath the anger, she detects a milli micron of love from where the fury stemmed.

** I don’t want to speak back, because I am leaving and the fewer words I say, the better,because I’ll leave soon; so don’t worry!!**

The Woman exits screaming and cursing leaving her cruel words hanging in the air, in every nook and corner. Now she goes, she goes to be kind and to provide care to the hundreds who come to her.

The Elders enter the house, bickering as usual even though it was a beautiful and special day for them. She feels at blame for this also as everything had changed once The Elders had left the house. They left because of her…because of her….

Unhappiness and misery are things that man makes for himself but she made it for them, loads and loads of it.

She will leave soon, as promised but a question loomed from inside the darkness of her soul….To leave forever never to return or To just leave and not bother for now ….

She lets the questions fade away into oblivion, into the darkness again .

** I will leave , but I leave to show them who I really am**

With a determined smile, somewhere inside her a lamp had been lit to drive away the darkness of despair….